Friday, February 20, 2009

Flipped Upside Down and Inside Out

Ok folks, here's your disclaimer for a long and depressing post that has very little direct relation to training and will likely make me sound like a complete nut job. While my initial intention with this blog was only to document my training throughout the offseason and eventually my contest prep, the reality of the situation is that my offseason doesn't exist in a bubble--though I wish it did. And recent events have thrown me way off track.

During the past week, I have learned more than ever that no pain from any physical injury--no hamstring tear, or pinched nerve, or tendonitis, or knee injury--can even come close to the pain of having your heart broken. Sure, everyone's been there. Hell, I've been there before (and more than once with this same person). But this is like nothing I've ever felt before. I was actually stronger and more pain-free than I've ever been during my Tuesday night arm workout and Wedensday night ham workout because of this. My mental state, on the other hand, was a complete disaster. I literally started my ham workout in tears, and it wasn't until about 3/4 of the way through it that I was able to pull myself together enough to finish it. Then I thought about finishing with squats despite the large "NO SQUATS" note I left for myself in my log. It's crazy that something like that can make me say "to hell with my knee (or hamstring, shoulder, etc), squatting is more important."

As meticulous as I am with my diet and training, that has been virtually impossible for me to stay on top of it for the last several days. Believe me, I love to eat, and I've been loving eating this offseason. But I've been lucky if I've gotten in 4 of my 6 meals lately. And whatever I do get in, comes right out an hour later. I have never been so physically sick from something like this. In fact, I don't think I've ever been physically ill from something like this.

I dread going to the gym now because it's a gym I joined so that he and I could train together. Every time I put on my damn sneakers, I have to think of him (they were a pair of personalized Nike ID's that he got me for my birthday). It's mostly because of him that I'm even competing in this sport. I couldn't even finish my cardio and ab workout this morning because I simply can't keep my shit together.

Like anyone who's ever been in this situation knows, there's such a feeling of loss. On a very superficial level, I was so looking forward to this year of continuing to progress in my offseason with him and having him there when I finally stepped on stage as a bodybuilder. There's never been a show of mine that he hasn't been at with me. I'll never forget the show when I earned my WNBF pro card. We weren't together at the time, but he kissed me before I went on stage for the overall, and I already knew I had won. Most recently, last year when I came off stage at the Atlantic States after finally qualifying for Junior Nationals, I ran right into his arms, and he picked me up, pulled me into a big bear hug, and spun me around. It was the most amazing feeling ever. Now, I know that I'll have other amazing experiences throughout my time competing, but for now, I feel that not one can ever touch either of those. At this point, all I can think about is that sometime this year, there'll probably be another girl who will experience that exact same thing with him--only she'll probably be smart enough to not blog about it :-P

I'm sure there's so much more that I could write about this. Of course there is. My brain is going 24/7, and I don't seem to know what sleep is lately. I'm afraid of what the next day will bring and how I'll be able to handle it. I guess for now, if anyone asks, all I can say is "just pencil me in."

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