So, it's been a hot minute since I posted, but there's a reason behind that. I often try to keep too much negativity out of this blog, but being a self-proclaimed pessimist, it inevitably finds it's way in, and sometimes in much larger doses than usual. I started this post last week when I was in a crappy place mentally, and I originally was going to just delete it. But then I figured, what the hell. This blog is about my bodybuilding journey, and that includes all the good and bad stuff.
After being sick two weeks ago, last week was meant to mark the beginning of an 8-week gaining phase for me. Had I'd blogged about this on Sunday or Monday, it would have been full of motivation and positivity. I was ready to do this and ready to grow. As the week has worn on, I was feeling neither motivated nor positive. In fact, I started to question whether or not I want to continue with this sport, or at least bodybuilding. I'm not so sure I'm cut out for this. I bust my ass in the offseason to keep a clean diet, train hard, and maintain my cardio all in an effort to make the maximum progress with minimum fat gain. Yet, here I am in my second offseason as a bodybuilder, and not only am I unhappy with this "offseason look", but I'm often fighting my injuries more than the weights themselves. I've been trying to finally address the injuries instead of ignore them as I've done in the past, yet I'm still unable to do the two major excercises that had, at one time, suckered me right in to a love of heavy lifting--squats and deadlifts. I just feel like, despite my efforts to heal these injuries, I'm getting nowhere. Can I build a decent bodybuider's physique without heavy squats or deadlifts? Of course. Will it take some of the enjoyment out of the journey to that physique? Absolutely.
As far as how I look in the offseason...let's just say I'm quickly growing out of clothes that I was wearing last offseason. While they are mostly dress shirts that I'm starting to bust out of, it's still a tough pill to swallow. I also seem to be carrying a lot more fat around my middle than I ever have, even last year. I dread putting my belt on each week at the gym. And my ass? I'm not even going there. I'm so tired of people seeing me in the offseason and having to look at their disbelieving faces when I tell them that I still eat clean and do cardio. As if it's impossible to do that and still get fat. Well, people, I can tell you that it is possible.
So that's where I left off at the end of the week last week. So far this week has been a bit better. I've gotten in three good workouts so far, which can often make or break my attitude toward, well, pretty much toward everything. Sunday, I was on my own for legs, so at the last minute, I decided to head up to a gym that's about 45 minutes from where I live after hearing from a friend that it's a great place to train. Turns out, it was pretty decent, but nothing to write home about. I still got a good quad workout in, though, and as far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters. I hit delts and chest last night and did a 5am back workout today (something I have been growing quite fond of lately). I seem to be gaining strength in both of these workouts over the past couple of weeks. Again, it's hard for me to wrap my head around strength gains for back when they don't include dead lifts, as if that's the ultimate and only way to gauge progress in my back development. Anyone have any ideas how to get past that???? I had to do the early morning thing today because tonight is our night shoot, which will no doubt be cold, wet, and muddy because it's a freakin' monsoon outside.
I'm still rattling things around in my head about whether or not I want to keep competing or maybe just take this whole year off. I'm sure plenty of people will say I'm being rediculous, and maybe I am, but I've got no response to that other than, I've still got some more thinking to do. This weekend is the NY Metropolitans in NYC, and I'll be working the Species booth again. I'm hoping that seeing other local competitors and some friends of mine getting on stage will help with this negative streak I've been on lately.