Friday, November 13, 2009

Second Guessing

Well, I started this blog as a place to talk about my diet and training and all the mental crap that goes along with it, and that includes all the positive and negative stuff. And today, with one day to go, I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing with myself. I felt great yesterday after having fat added into my diet. I felt pretty rested and relaxed and felt like I was getting tighter (if that makes any sense). But then last night I didn't sleep well, and when I got up to weigh myself this morning, I was up to 119. Now granted, I won't have a problem making lightweight this weekend, but in typical Melissa fashion, I'm super stressed about making the 115 lightweight cutoff for Nationals next weekend. Everyone's asking how I look and if I'm ready, but to be honest, at this point, I can only say "I don't know" because I can't even look at myself. I have absolutely no ability to be objective now, so I just don't look. I don't think I've looked at myself since Wednesday morning. I know most of what I'm thinking is completely irrational and rediculous to a large extent. And I know I should just be excited for tomorrow, and I am, but this crazy, overwhelming obsession with trying to be "perfect" seems to be superceding everything. This is one of those times when I wish I could just step back and enjoy the results of my hard work and be proud that the time's finally here.

So, I've decided to spend the first half of my day at work in hopes that it'll keep me occupied (clearly that's not working since I'm typing this while I'm at work). This afternoon when I get home I'm forcing myself to take a nap, even if it means using tylenol pm or something to help me get to sleep, and then tonight begins Adventures in JanTana. Hopefully by then, I'll be in a better place about how I look.

1 comment:

  1. hey girl, just checkin in here to see how u are. i know EXACTLY how u feel. believe me! first of all, you WILL make weight at nats. we have another week to diet for that show. im even hoping to come in lighter even tho i dont have to make weight. im telling you, once you start to lose the water & get that tan on you will look at yourself in the mirrow tomorrow morning and say HELL YEAH! one thing ive had to learn NOT to do is to compare myself with others. i was always comparing myself to these top nationals copetitors & expecting myself to look like they do in their pics. get a clue andrea! LOL.
    the damn scale is never my friend. it fucks with me too much but too many times i hop on just to see haha! just ready to have a good time tomorrow and keep on improving. because in the end thats all that really matters. i cant wait to see how awesome you look on stage. your pretty and got a rockin hot muscle bod! get some rest & be ready to rock n roll tomorrow! xox