Well, I started this blog as a place to talk about my diet and training and all the mental crap that goes along with it, and that includes all the positive and negative stuff. And today, with one day to go, I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing with myself. I felt great yesterday after having fat added into my diet. I felt pretty rested and relaxed and felt like I was getting tighter (if that makes any sense). But then last night I didn't sleep well, and when I got up to weigh myself this morning, I was up to 119. Now granted, I won't have a problem making lightweight this weekend, but in typical Melissa fashion, I'm super stressed about making the 115 lightweight cutoff for Nationals next weekend. Everyone's asking how I look and if I'm ready, but to be honest, at this point, I can only say "I don't know" because I can't even look at myself. I have absolutely no ability to be objective now, so I just don't look. I don't think I've looked at myself since Wednesday morning. I know most of what I'm thinking is completely irrational and rediculous to a large extent. And I know I should just be excited for tomorrow, and I am, but this crazy, overwhelming obsession with trying to be "perfect" seems to be superceding everything. This is one of those times when I wish I could just step back and enjoy the results of my hard work and be proud that the time's finally here.
So, I've decided to spend the first half of my day at work in hopes that it'll keep me occupied (clearly that's not working since I'm typing this while I'm at work). This afternoon when I get home I'm forcing myself to take a nap, even if it means using tylenol pm or something to help me get to sleep, and then tonight begins Adventures in JanTana. Hopefully by then, I'll be in a better place about how I look.