So Close, I Can Taste It

Wow, two weeks out, and I just can't believe it. So, let's cut to the chase here. My weight this morning was down two pounds to 118.4, so there's no doubt I'll make lightweights at Nationals. Dave's feedback to my pictures? That I'm looking "super ripped." I mean, really, that's all I have to hear to make me know that I'm right on track. Out of nowhere at the end of this week.....my legs are really starting to dial in, hams and all. Seeing that, seeing lines I've never had before, finally seeing quad development that I just knew was in there, gave me such a feeling of accomplishment. For once I actually looked at myself and thought, "Damn, girl, you look GOOD." And while winning is always top of my list (I'm obviously an extremely competitive person, and as far as I'm concerned, why train and diet so hard if I'm not going out there with the goal of winning?), I will still walk away from this preceeding offseason and current prep knowing that I've made amazing changes in my physique, regardless of where I place at Easterns. I know that I can only control what I look like, and thus far, I've done everything I can to put myself in a position to look the best I ever have.

Hot Mess Express

Next stop, Eastern USA's, bitches! Just got home from a pretty decent chest and ham workout, relatively speaking that is. At this point, I can only base the quality of my workouts on how I feel mentally because there's no such thing as strength these days. Every cardio session, every training session, every day that goes by I know I'm one step closer to getting on that stage, and I can't wait. Yeah, I'm tired and hungry, and generally rather miserable in demeanor, but there's definitely a fire inside that's going for broke here. My new sense of motivation in the past few days? My quads and hams. Any time I wonder why the fuck I'm doing this or think about how badly I want to eat, I strip down and step in front of the mirror and see that my legs still aren't where I want them to be. Don't get me wrong, they're coming in, but it's not what I want....yet. I know I'm going to have to suffer to get there, but I'll do whatever it takes. There's no turning back now.

The Last Supper

Or rather, the last cheat meal. Yup, my cheat meal has officially been taken away. Ironically, I'm not as upset about it as I thought I might be (no temper tantrums, at least). At this point, I'm so focused that I don't care what has to be done to get me in shape over the next three weeks. After not losing any weight this week, major changes came my way...cardio went up 15 minutes to 125 min/day, and I'm at 4:1 protein/veggies:protein/fat days. I say, whatever, bring it. If I'm gonna do this, it's gonna be good, right?

This weekend was good for my mental game, too. I guest posed at a local show and got great feedback. But the biggest thing for me was how I was going to FEEL about actually being on stage....I knew this would tell me a lot about whether or not I made the right decision to switch to bodybuilding. I was SOOOO nervous backstage, but as soon as I stepped out there under those lights, it was game on, and I had a freakin' blast! After the show, I went out to eat and got to hang out with Kevin English and his girlfriend and two of their friends, which was very cool. Kevin is totally down to earth and just plain funny (they all were, actually).

Also, this weekend, I had a really good heart-to-heart chat that helped refocus me and bring this prep back into a more positive light. Considering where my progress is at right now, I definitely needed to redirect my thinking about things, and this talk helped do just that. In fact, the talk was so good, that I managed to eek out what I would consider a decent leg workout on Sunday morning (for 3 weeks out, that is), and I'm actually really sore today. Right now, I am just breaking things down one hour at a time and trying to keep my stress level low, a rather novel concept for me that actually seems to be working. I've done really well in keeping this prep drama free and keeping my focus on where I want to end up, so the next 3 weeks are truly going to be tunnel-visioned.

Four Weeks Out

And down four more freakin' pounds! Yeah, I couldn't believe it when I stepped on the scale yesterday morning. I knew with the changes that Dave had made that I would drop a significant amount of weight, but certainly not that much. I figured at this point it would be tough for me to lose even 2 or 3 pounds at a clip (apparently there's still plenty of fat to lose). Unfortunately, I still don't like how my legs look (though they are noticably tighter), but Dave says to "STOP PANICKING!" so if he's not worried, I know I shouldn't be. Plus, my cheat meal hasn't been cut out yet...hell yeah!

I'm at the stage where I'm questioning things all the time (which I guess really isn't a stage, per se, since I'm ALWAYS questioning myself). I wonder if I should make a last minute decision to stick with figure. Then I think, fuck that, I'll do just fine in bodybuilding. It's back and forth all the time, mostly me worrying about being too small and skinny-looking. But I've made my decision, and I'm not one to go back on it. I know that if I find bodybuilding doesn't work for me, I can always go back to figure.

Workouts aren't much better than "eh" lately, and ironically, I look forward to my cardio because I just zone out--of course, the fact that I'm still under 2 hours of cardio a day has contributed to this. Overall, I like the path that I'm on for the 14th and am trying to enjoy the changes that are starting to happen almost daily now.

Random Thoughts From a Depleted Soul

As I mentioned in previous posts, I've scheduled some days off from work and some time in for a little pampering as the show approaches in an attempt to keep from completely burning out. I gave myself a nice 4-day weekend this past weekend, and today, I splurged on a deep tissue massage. I had gotten one earlier this year, and knew it would be painful, but daaaaaaamn, it was brutal this time around. I had this adorable little English girl who just tore up my my upper back. But I needed it badly. You could actually hear the knots moving around and releasing in the left side of my upper back. I don't know if it was the pain or the noise or a combination of both, but it actually made me feel neasous. She did the rest of my body over the course of the next hour, and it was well worth the investment. I was so relaxed and my muscles felt so much better after releasing all the tension. Of course, now, 12 hours later, I'm sore as hell. I've been drinking tons of water like they say you're supposed to after a deep tissue massage in order to get all the toxins out.

Normally I train back on Wednesday nights, but I figured that would be pretty counterproductive after the massage, so I hit chest and hams instead and make up back on Friday. My workout was pretty good, and I can tell that my recent attempts at extra rest have made somewhat of a difference. My strength is going down, but that's not surprising with the changes that were made for this week. One surprise with these changes, though, is how freakin' flat I look. I know I'm losing the weight because it's plain as day, but I'm so smooth and flat. I try not to look at myself too much because then I freak out. And as a good friend always says when I have these moments of panic so far out from a show, "It's a good thing the show's not today." As for Monday's shoulder workout, those seem to be my "ego workouts" lately, as my strength has stayed throughout, and I can always get a good pump. Of course, my ego is quickly deflated once the leg workout rolls around again.

So, it's looking like we're going to get freaking snow in the next couple of days here. What the fuck? It's only October. I HATE the snow. I'm sure I've said it a thousand times before in this blog, but I really can't stand it. It's messy, cold, and just freaking miserable. It slows everything down, and sometimes it causes me to miss a workout when my gym closes because of it (though I have been known to brave a blizzard in my little rice burner to get to a gym that is open so I can train). Anyway, just the thought of impending snow makes me anxious. Freakin' northeast...I'm movin' to Cali.

A Post From the Cave

Also known as my bedroom these days...it's dark and quiet, so lately I've turned to napping in here on Sunday afternoons between trips to the gym. Things with prep are, well, they're going. I mean, really, how good can my workouts possibly be at this point, and how realistic is it to say that I feel fantastic, not tired or hungry? I'll never understand how people can say they feel great through their prep...I've tried this year and genuinely felt damn good for quite a while, but now, with 5 weeks to go, I'm just plain hurtin'. Despite feeling run down, my motivation and excitement for the show only increases each week. Dave is dropping the hammer this week, and I should hopefully see some drastic changes by Saturday....enough of this bs with my fatty legs. I want to see some separation, and this week's changes should bring just that.

This morning's workout was hams and quads, and I had no idea what I was going to do for the workout until I was literally in the gym doing my first ham exercise. Now, I NEVER train hams before quads, but having recently been told that they need to come up, I decided to flip the script and train them first, making them the focus of my workout. I pulled back on the weight and really tried to focus on squeezing and getting a good mind-muscle connection, as I have struggled with that quite a bit since this nagging ham injury has progressed. I still can't feel anything in my left ham, which is really scary when I think about it. So I just don't think about it....I got plenty of other stuff to fill my brain with. Anyway, I did a total of 14sets for hams, including lying db curls, one leg standing curls, and a superset of seated curls and stiff leg dead lifts. Then it was on to quads where I did 5 heavy sets of hacks, 3 sets of presses (2 of which were rest/pause sets), and finished with 4x15 on the leg extension. Starting with hams really allowed me to isolate my quads better and not use my hams to assist in the movements. I had to back down in weight on my quad exercises, but I think I hit 'em pretty good. Yesterday's arm workout and Friday's chest workout were both decent. I moved quick and got a good pump. They felt like productive workouts, relatively speaking.

On a non-prep note, this weekend was alumni weekend, and it's the one opportunity that I get every year to see all of my college roommates together. Unfortunately, one of them couldn't make it because she had family and work obligations that she needed to take care of. But the remaining 4 of us got together, and it was like no time passed...even though it had been a year since I'd seen a couple of them. It was great to spend time with them because these girls knew me long before I got wrapped up in the world of dieting and competing. They know ME. They have seen me at my absolute worst and associate me with more than just bodybuilding. So hanging out with them was a welcome break from being mentally enmeshed in prep. Of course, they ask me how it's going and when the show is, but it's never the focus of the conversation. It's amazing how we were all so much alike 7 years ago as seniors in college, and now we couldn't be any more different. A teacher, an attorney, a corporate America slave, and a PO...yet we still can't seem to get enough talk time in when we get together. All in all, it was a great weekend with them, but sometimes it's sad that we don't see eachother more often (granted, it's a known fact that I am the most disconnected from the bunch, as I am HORRIBLE at keeping in touch with people).

I'm off from work tomorrow, yay Columbus! I don't have any crazy plans, but I do have some errands/chores and whatnot to catch up on. So, I'll probably take advantage and sleep in a bit and just ease through my day. But for today, it's back to the cave I go!

The Breakup and Other Stuff

My posting is likely going to become more sparse as the next few weeks go by, not only because I'm busy, but simply because it takes too much mental effort to type anything. The foggy-head feeling is pretty much a daily occurrence, and I'm feeling like a rickety, 90-year-old woman when I wake up in the mornings. Not to mention that I regularly look like the Crypt Keeper now...somthing that's new to me this year. Usually my face doesn't get drawn until the last week or two, and even then, my eyes don't look all sunken in like they do now. It must be part of this whole getting old thing, which is about to happen in 10 days....FML. I just keep trying to convince myself that I look better at 29 than I did at 19, which is probably true, but almost never makes me feel better.

Enough whining, here's what's been going on. I lost another 2.5 lbs this week, so no changes were made to the cardio or diet, meaning I still have my cheat meal (oh, the little things that make me happy during prep). My trip to Bev's on Saturday was MUCH needed, and we had a good time. I also got to meet with Steve to have him take a quick look at me for some feedback and was told nothing that I didn't really already know....my quads are behind my upper body as far as fat loss goes, and I need to bring up my hams and calves. Now, if only I could get on stage in pants, I'd be golden. Sunday I did things exactly as planned and was able to get in a good nap in the afternoon. Except I was partially paralyzed when I woke up, courtesy of the morning's leg workout.

I knew it would only be a matter of time before "The Breakup." I told my training partner that I needed to start doing my own thing for the next six weeks. It's time for me to hunker down and not worry about anyone else besides me during the workouts. I don't want to have to bother with anyone else's schedule now, as my own is getting pretty hectic. It sounds silly, but I don't want to have to worry about what exercises someone else wants to do or dragging someone else along so I can pose, do cardio, extra sets of hams, or whatever. I'm going into 100% selfish mode. Fortunately, he understands and we'll hook back up after my show. Not to mention the fact that I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to listen to me bitch anymore, no matter how much he says he doesn't care (he's a bad liar). In the meantime, this Crypt Keeper's got some work to do.

Ummmmmm

I have been so busy and all over the place lately that it'll be amazing if I can string together some coherent thoughts for this post. Work continues to get increasingly busy every day, and I've gotten to the point where I wish people would just stop admitting to me that they're fucking up. Damn it people, I'm giving you a 16-week pass to run free while I diet, and you're coming in to see me and TELLING me about how you're screwing up...since when is being truthful part of the deal?

Anyway, my weekends are now officially completely booked until my shows, which means I can't rely on them for catching up on sleep like I normally would like to. I'm trying not to think about it because it starts to stress me out, but telling me to not think about something is like telling me not to breathe. I know, I know, I shouldn't stress--stress releases cortisol, cortisol makes you hold onto fat, blah blah blah. The good thing is that it's forced me to take time off from work in order to get some relaxation (you know you desperately need to take time off when your boss strongly advises you to do so). My problem is that I come home and think of the millions of things that need to get done because I've started to let them go as dieting progresses, like cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, changing my sheets, cooking food, packing food, laundry, getting my oil changed, and the list goes on and on. You think reading that sentence was overwhelming, you should try actually being in my head right now.

So, to try to combat this, I'm taking a little road trip tomorrow. I'm heading down to Bev's on Long Island with one of my girlfriends who competes in figure. It'll be a good way for me to get a change of gym scenery and also be able to relax by NOT being around here and worrying about the bazillion things I should be doing. And then I can head home to have what will probably be my last cheat meal until after my shows. I have begun to mentally prepare myself to have tomorrow be my last cheat meal, since last year it was pulled at 6 weeks out. Of course, there is a glimmer of hope that it won't be because I'm making much better progress this year at 6 weeks out than I was last year....the caveat is that I also have to be a lot tighter this year. So, I've just accepted that tomorrow could possibly be it for the cheat meal for a while. Sunday's plan is to train legs in the morning and finish my cardio at night, with LOTS of napping in between.

As far as training this past week goes, my legs are just now feeling like they're recovered from Sunday's workout. I can tell that all the cardio and the lack of calories is cutting into their ability to recover properly. The rest of the workouts this week continue to be pretty unremarkable, and to be honest, it's probably pretty pointless for me to even mention much about them for the next few weeks because I know they're only going to get worse. Ah well, the price you pay for dieting for a show. It certainly does make me appreciate the strength I have during the offseason, though.